Case Study: How I help a family with a 2 year old overcome bedtime delay tactics and achieve peaceful bedtime routine and uninterrupted sleep

Case Study: How I help a family with a 2 year old overcome bedtime delay tactics and achieve a peaceful bedtime routine and uninterrupted sleep

Sleep Success Story of Amber 2 years 3 months.

If the age and sleep challenges intrigue you to read this post, then you probably feel like you’re the only one out there whose toddler is still waking at night.

I want to reassure you that you’re not. I’ve been contacted by hundreds of families over the past years who reached out to me for help.

I had to deal with sleep issues when my daughter was a toddler too.

So this age group has a special place in my heart.

You are not alone.

My goal with this post is to give you some hope, ideas, and practical tips you could try with your toddler too.

A little disclaimer: all toddlers are unique and different. There is no quick fix and these strategies take time, patience, and creativity.

The family’s sleep challenges

When Amber’s parents contacted me, they were already at their wits' end trying to figure out how to cut down the time it takes to put their sweet little daughter down for bed. The usual duration is more than an hour each night until she’s asleep.

Amber expresses her frustration by screaming and crying when she doesn't get what she wants, such as crying for her mom when she's with her dad. When her mom is present, Amber will give her instructions to sit or move to different parts of the room or bed.

If her mom follows her initial instructions, Amber may give her more instructions, and if her mom doesn't comply, Amber will scream and cry.

When her mom avoids eye contact and pretends to sleep, Amber will come and touch her nose or explore her face and hair.

Regardless of who is with her, Amber always arranges and rearranges her pillows and soft toys, and drinks her milk from a straw bottle multiple times before falling asleep.

While fidgeting, she often spills her milk on the floor or her pajamas, and she will ask to change her pajamas when this happens, as she doesn't like having wet clothes. This happens 70% of the time.

Amber clearly expresses her desire for milk or her specific soft toy at bedtime, but when offered the item, she may reject it and then later pick up the milk to drink.

Her communication can be confusing.

Sometimes, she stays awake for two hours from 2-4am.

You can imagine her parents’ growing frustration from having to deal with this every single day.

Goals & objectives

Before devising any sleep plan for a family, the first thing I would determine is their end goal and what they wish to achieve from working together.

For this family, their goal is for Amber to fall asleep independently within 20 minutes with either parent around. They would like for her to willingly go to sleep with no strong preference over one parent.

Also, they wish to eliminate the prolonged waking in the middle of the night.

Achieving these goals would mean

• more time for parents to catch up with household chores after work

• the grown-ups have their downtime in peace

• no more stress from trying to put their child to sleep and worrying that their child might wake up again and the whole process repeats

The plan

Based on the presented sleep challenges, it’s clear to me that Amber does not have a clear boundary about when play time and endless requests end and when it’s time to go to sleep.

One thing that stood out for me was the milk in the straw bottle offered in her bedroom. This is a huge source of distraction and unnecessary disruption when it gets spilled.

There is also room for improvement to work with Amber’s circadian rhythm so that we could set a later bedtime as her natural tiredness and readiness for sleep have gotten later as she got older.

Lastly, I explained to the parents that toddlers love to make choices and practice their autonomy. Lack of choice leads to powerlessness and rage, and accumulated feelings lead to things like a lack of cooperation, hitting, biting, throwing, etc.

Amber’s need to ‘boss’ her mom and her lack of cooperation at bedtime tells me that she was trying to express her autonomy, but it wasn’t done in a healthy way.

So the strategies that I’ve included in the plan are:

• No more milk in the bottle and replace it with water instead.

• Push her bedtime later by 30-60 minutes and wait for the wake maintenance zone to pass.

• Use this time to play power-reversal games, such as pretending to be the weak one when roughhousing and being clumsy when trying to run or hide. This bedtime play increases connection and laughter from the silly games.

• Offer her 2-3 choices of books and soft toys so that she can use her autonomy over which soft toy she goes to sleep with.

• Implement the Last Call Policy: Attend to her water sips, blanket tucking, lovey return only once by saying "Okay last call to drink water, and for me to tuck you in. What else do you need?" and do that for her one last time. After that, if she makes any more requests, she is in charge of getting her own water, toys, and redo blanket.

• The Pop Out and Check-Ins: Stay with Amber in her bedroom until she’s settled, and then briefly leave for 5-10 seconds and then return. The idea is to get back before she gets upset or start looking for her mom or dad. Through multiple repetitions, she will learn that no matter how frequently her parents leave, they will always come back. Ultimately, we want Amber to feel bored while waiting and be so confident that they’ll come back that she will fall asleep without a parent being there.

The challenges

While implementing the sleep plan, parents will face new challenges and that’s when my role as their sleep coach can help to reassure or troubleshoot.

Two things that came up for this family were:

1. Amber went through a nap strike phase. This is normal for 2 year olds. There will come a time where children this age would go days without a nap, and they don’t seem to be affected by it. Many parents think that their child has dropped their nap for good. Usually, in my experience, children are more ready to drop their nap closer to 3-4 years of age if they are getting all their sleep needs met at night.

2. I introduced to them the concept of quiet time. On days when Amber refuses to nap, do a quiet time with calm activities such as reading, colouring or playing dough instead. Having a child rest mid-day, even without a nap, can help them recharge for the second half of the day without feeling exhausted.

3. Parents’ doubt about the pop out and check in strategy. They were worried that she would come to the door to check on them instead and this might turn into a game for her. They didn’t want to feel like they’ve taken a step back. We discussed a few strategies such as placing a gate at her bedroom door. But honestly, I wasn’t feeling too good about this as it doesn’t feel respectful or you can’t trust the child because Amber is a really smart kid!

4. Dad wasn’t a hundred percent with the gate either. So I reassured them that when the pop outs are done in a calm and confident manner, Amber will follow their lead. With a little hesitation at first, they went ahead to try it out by the time we reached night 10.

The results

At the end of the sleep support, Amber could fall asleep independently within 20 minutes after lights out. She was no longer waking up in the middle of the night, and she wakes up at 7am regularly getting 10.5 hours of sleep.

Both mom and dad got their TV time uninterrupted, and everyone in the family gained back their much needed sleep.

Sharing some of the progress from their sleep journey.

Night 10

Night 11

Day 21

Key takeaways

Setting realistic expectations and goals

Since we worked with a limited time frame of 3 weeks of support, it was important that we set the expectations right from the beginning. Understanding what’s appropriate for her age, considering her temperament and her cognitive ability to understand rules were key for the success of her sleep.

Limit setting and understanding that it will be met with tantrums initially

Toddlers thrive within limits and boundaries. When boundaries are unclear, it’s their job to push and challenge them. Crying and protesting will happen when parents first set limits, so I offered them some guidance on how to support their child’s tears and tantrums.

Consistency & Repetition

Through consistent actions and multiple repetitions, even the most strong-willed and persistent children will learn and accept new rules around bedtime. Children often look to their parents to become their sturdy leaders.

Bedtime play and love bombing

My secret sauce to toddler sleep success! Including laughter and silliness right before they separate from their parents to sleep can really boost their confidence and self-esteem.

Calm and confident energy

In order to fall sleep peacefully, one must be tired enough, feeling connected and calm for sleep to happen. Children co-regulate their emotions with a calm parent. So the more calm they brought to bedtime routine, the more Amber regulated with their energy.

Understanding toddler’s sleep biology

As babies grow into toddlers, their sleep needs and natural body clock will change. Toddlers need less sleep than babies and mid-day naps are still crucial for most 2-3 year olds. The wake maintenance zone is where many parents fight and feel defeated because there’s nothing they can do to make their child sleep during this time. Knowing this gives Amber’s parents the advantage of using that time to connect until she’s truly ready for sleep.

Clear communication and honest feedback throughout the process

I believe in Non-Violent Communication. Being respectful and sensitive to parents in their vulnerable and desperate situations is key to building trust, so they can be honest with their feelings and feel safe that they will not be shamed or judged.

The trust from me as their sleep coach is that they are the experts of their child, and as her parents, they know what’s best for Amber.

When parents feel empowered in their decision and are more knowledgeable about how to troubleshoot their own child’s sleep challenges, I feel like my job is done!

Conclusion

If you’re reading this far, all the way to end, thank you! I hope this gives you a clearer picture on how I would work with a toddler client.

Also if you’re in the same boat, do try some of the strategies that resonate with you.

My advice is to be patient and not look for a quick fix!

If you need more support, book a discovery call to see if we are a right fit. There is no one solution fits all so your situation and sleep strategy would be different than Amber’s.